You’re fat. Plus you’re stupid.

I think the title of this post is pretty self-explanatory. You’re a fatass, and I hate you. Here are ten reasons why I hate your mother, too:

  1. Your mom is a fat pig

  2. Also, she sucks

  3. She gave birth to you

  4. She gave birth to you while being fat

  5. She has a fat vagina

  6. She can’t wash between her fat rolls, so she stinks real bad

  7. Eat a dick

  8. You’re fat

  9. You have herpes

  10. Die

FattyMcFattersonHere is a picture I drew of you. You look really fat in this picture. You should probably try to lose some weight, bra. I said bra, because that’s what cool people say when they mean “brother”. Saying the word “brother” wastes too much energy. There’s an extra, unnecessary syllable in that word. Why waste that kind of time and energy when I can shorten the hell out of that word and just refer to you as bra. Also, stop being so fat. You’re suffocating me with your fat tissue. Cake cake cake cake cake. That’s what you eat. All the time. Go away.

Lesson II: How To Drive

Hello, dear readers, and welcome to the second lesson. As a college graduate and autodidact, I have vast reserves of knowledge at my disposal that cost me many years of studying and thousands and thousands of dollars to acquire. Because I’m such a humanitarian, I’m willing to offer you this knowledge free of charge. Because if I have to deal with one more idiot driver, I’m going to start snapping necks. In this lesson, I’m going to teach you how not to drive like a douchebag.

 

  • Don’t Be An Ass: Keep Right Except To Pass

I live in a little town called Kokomo, but I work in Indianapolis. So every day I have to drive about 50 miles to work. This means I spend most of that time on the highway. Now, I’m a fast driver. I like to go about 80-90 miles per hour down the highway. So I tend to stay in the left lane. This is the lane that is typically reserved for people to pass others, as passing on the right is illegal. Since I’m the only one at seven in the morning driving that fast, I’m pretty much passing everyone, so I stay in the left lane, because the chances of someone going faster than me are pretty much nil. But most people aren’t aware of the rules. Without fail, at some point during my drive every morning, I get stuck behind some asshole going 60 miles per hour in the left lane, and I can’t pass them, because they’re right next to another car in the other lane going the same speed. So instead of being allowed to maintain my current speed the rest of the way to work, I have to slow way the fuck down and drive agonizingly slowly. Usually when this happens I try to subtly let the driver ahead of me know that I would like to pass him by honking my horn and screaming death threats out the window, but the driver is usually too stupid to understand my subtle cues and continues to take up space in the left lane like a fucking dipshit.

Stop doing that. If you’re driving down the highway and are going the speed limit, stay in the right hand lane. You’re obviously not in a hurry to get anywhere, so why the fuck would you get in the passing lane? Are you trying to annoy the living shit out of everyone else? Do you want to get murdered? If you get in the left lane and are driving less than 70 miles per hour, you’re a fucking piece of shit waste of space, and you should drown all of your children because you’ve passed down your stupid genes to them, and they’re just going to generally fail at life in addition to pissing me off twenty years down the road.

  • Get Out Of My Way

While driving, you might find yourself tempted to get in my way. Don’t do that. Instead, get out of my way. My road rage is bigger than yours, and I have laserbeam-lightning-bolt-eyes. I will laser-lightning bolt you to death, after following you to the grocery store and waiting for you to get out of the car and enter the store so I can key the shit out of your car, because you just paid like nine grand for a brand new paint job. It’s an ugly shade of green, and I hate you for it.

Seriously though, stop pulling out in front of me and slowing down. Doing that makes you a piece of shit douchetard. I know you think you alone are saddled with the responsibility of making sure everyone’s living their lives the way you think is best, because you are everybody’s parent and boss, and it’s such a drag to have that much responsibility, but you’re really not all that important in the grand scheme of things. In fact, you’re pretty much worthless. You have the cosmological impact of a mote of dust. You could die right now, and the universe would keep on keeping on. In fact, very few people would even notice your absence. There are over seven billion people on this planet, and maybe thirty or forty of them are even aware of your existence. In short, you are nothing. So stop acting like you’re hot shit. Fuck off and get the fuck out of my way, you pretentious, self-important douchebag.

That’s really it. Stay in the right lane and get the fuck out of my way. Those are the only two rules of the road you need to know in order to be a successful driver. Now go away. I’m tired.

Lesson I: How to Raise Your Children

cropped-Ian_Spotlight_BW.jpgI promised that I would teach you all important things in an effort to make up for the sad state our education system is currently in, and that is what I’m here to do. Forget college. College is basically useless. Trust me, I went to college, and all I learned was that I’m a horrible person because I’m both white and male. If you really want an education, you’re going to have to forget about the more traditional, bricks-and-mortar universities and just listen to me. I’m way smarter than you are, so trust me on this.

In today’s lesson, I will be teaching you how to raise your children, something no high school or university classes ever teach. Some people say things like, “There’s no manual for raising kids”, to which I say, “You’re wrong!” I wrote this manual ten minutes ago, and as I am a humanitarian dedicated to human progress, I will be sharing this information free of charge. Also because I would like to be able to eat at a restaurant in peace without being subjected to the screams and cries of your annoying children.

 

  • Do not encourage your child’s mediocre artwork.

Too often, parents praise their children for work that is, at best, sub-par. For example, my next door neighbor, Mrs. Stepchanuvik, was a sweet elderly lady who baked cookies for the entire neighborhood every week. She was the nicest lady ever. She never bothered anyone, and would go out of her way to help anyone who needed it. She was the stapler that stapled our neighborhood together. She was like everyone’s grandmother.

Well, one of the new neighbors that had moved in to the house down the street a few months ago had a six year old child. They named this child “Stephanie,” and they gave her anything she wanted. Whenever Princess Stephanie was upset, her parents would do everything in their power to make sure Princess Stephanie got whatever she wanted.

One day, Princess Stephanie thought it would be fun to murder Mrs. Stepchanuvik. The police responding to the call said they had never seen so much blood in their lives. Several of them ended up retiring from the force early and checking in to a state mental facility as a result of Princess Stephanie’s actions. She had taken a butcher knife and stabbed poor Mrs. Stepchanuvik over 327 times. Then she cut pieces of Mrs. Stepchanuvik’s skin off her body and made doll clothes out of them. They looked awful. Looking at them, it was apparent that Princess Stephanie had no talent as a fashion designer. You know what her parents did? They had the gall to actually give her positive feedback. Her mom was like, “Ooooh Steven! Look at what our precious daughter made! Aren’t those just the most darling dolly dresses you ever saw?” They were the most horrid things I had ever seen. I mean, she couldn’t even get a basic A-line dress right! It was obvious Princess Stephanie had no formal training in fashion design. But her parents praised her anyway.

This is why every television show sucks. Parents keep praising their children’s shitty artwork/writing/music because they’re terrified of damaging their self-esteem, and as a result, their children keep pursuing their shitty artwork/writing/music because they have no idea that they suck at it. Then they grow up and make shows like Jersey Shore.

  • Stop letting your kids get away with murder

Too often, parents let their kids get away with murder. For example, Mrs. Stepchanuvik. Instead of letting yourselves be ruled by the whims of your obnoxious, poisonous children, you need to start ruling them with an iron fist. For those of you with really obnoxious children, I recommend using a diamond fist. Diamonds are much harder than iron and cause more pain as a result.

  • Leave your kids at home

You’re hungry, and you don’t want to cook. Your children are hungry, too, and they suck at cooking. So you decide to stick everyone in the minivan and go to a restaurant to eat, where your children promptly start running around, screaming, and purposely annoying the shit out of the other customers.

Stop doing that. Instead, find a babysitter, or better yet, lock them up in the basement until you get back. If your children do not know how to act like civilized human beings, do not, under any circumstances, take them out in public. It’s not my fault you decided to ruin your life by reproducing, so stop punishing me for your bad decisions. It’s like me beating you with a switch because I decided to watch Jersey Shore. How is that fair?

Seriously, it’s like all you breeders out there are so pissed that you have to deal with your children’s shit all day that you decide to take it out on the rest of us by forcing us to deal with it, too. Fuck off! I made the decision to never have kids because I enjoy having a life, and it’s one of the best decisions I’ve ever made, and I refuse to be punished for your mistakes. Either teach your kids how to behave in public, or leave the little shits at home.

That concludes today’s lesson. If you can do just these three things, you will be helping to save the future of mankind.

America, I Weep For You

cropped-Ian_Spotlight_BW.jpgLately, as I drink my double ristretto venti half-soy nonfat decaf organic chocolate brownie iced vanilla double-shot gingerbread panda-cake frappuccino with foam, I’ve noticed there are an awful lot of poor people in America. What’s with that? Why would people choose to be poor? I mean, it’s like they’re TRYING to annoy me, with their constant dependence upon government assistance and their insistence upon demanding higher wages. Why don’t they work harder? Bunch of mooches, if you ask me.

My parents paid for my education, and my father tapped into his vast network of connections in the White House to land me a pretty sweet job that pays over ten million a year. It’s not my fault the rest of America is irresponsible and refuses to work hard. I worked hard to get where I’m at. It takes a lot of work to sit and watch my father map out the trajectory of my life, but I did it, and now I’m really successful. Why can’t the rest of America do what I did? It’s not that hard… It’s like Americans these days just want to be lazy.

It just irritates me when I’m driving down the road in my Rolls Royce Phantom that my father bought me as a graduation gift this year, and I see filthy commoners daring to protest against all those nice people on Wall Street. What did they ever do to them? Nothing, I can assure you. Wealthy, Wall Street businessmen would have absolutely nothing to do socially with those indigent guttersnipes. Not that there’s anything wrong with being an indigent guttersnipe, if that’s what you’re in to. I mean, this country was founded on freedom, and you are free to live as you choose. It’s just that I can’t understand why someone would purposely choose to be so achingly poor and common. And it really just grinds my gears when I see those filthy commoners daring to accuse all of those honest, hard-working bankers on Wall Street of stealing from them! I mean, honestly! What do those poor people have that wealthy Wall Street bankers could possibly want? Absolutely nothing. To suggest that they would steal from commoners is ludicrous to the extreme.

I love being rich. If I wanted to, I could have my chauffeur drive me to the nearest filling station and just purchase it outright. I would never do that, of course. Filling stations are filthy and employ the lowest common denominator. If I were to purchase a filling station, I would promptly bulldoze it and turn it into a parking lot.

That’s why I love being rich. Being rich gives you options. Being poor, in contrast, does not. So why do ninety-nine percent of Americans choose to live like that? It’s as though the vast majority of Americans are too lazy to work, and would rather sit on their asses and collect welfare instead. What happened to the America I used to know and love? The America where Americans actually worked for a living.

America, I weep for you.

 

First Post, Introductions, Mediocrity Confronted

 

Ian_Spotlight_BWHello. I am a programmer. My name is Ian. You can call me Fred if you want. I just recently graduated Summa Cum Laude from IU with a bachelor’s degree in New Media Communication with a concentration in web development. However, my current job has nothing to do with web development. The company I work for creates point of sale software for the hospitality industry, specifically restaurants. We have about 600 clients. It’s a very small company, which is awesome, because everyone knows everyone. I am part of a small team of software engineers who develop and maintain the software. I love my job.

You don’t know me, so I’ll tell you a little something about myself. I have a lot of opinions. My opinions are always right. If you disagree with them, you’re probably an idiot. I eat a lot of cheese. Some might call me a cheese aficionado, but they’d be wrong. All I know about cheese is that it comes from fermented milk and it tastes pretty fucking awesome.

I drink a lot of Mt. Dew, which contributes to the severity of my many neuroses. For instance, sometimes when I’m really hopped up on Mt. Dew, I’ll start looking out my window every three seconds to make sure the government or any other shadowy, super secret agency isn’t spying on me. I have really bad OCD that forces me to count every thing I do. Right now I’m counting every word I type. I’m up to 249, not counting everything from the number 249 to the end of this sentence.

I am very anti-feminist. That is not to say that I am anti-women. I am against the ideology, not the gender. Feminism is bullshit. Feminists act like women are oppressed and they claim that all males are rapists by default. For an ideology that claims to be for equal rights/treatment of both genders, they sure do say some pretty misandrist shit at times.

I’m also a noted homosexual. That means I have feelings for members of the same sex. To be blunt, I like penises. Don’t like it? Then keep on being heterosexual. I don’t care.

I like music. It’s pretty awesome. I’m quite fond of bands like Animals as Leaders, Meshuggah, Don Caballero, This Town Needs Guns, Medications, Faraquet, and Necrophagist. I like a bunch of other bands, but I’d be typing forever if I named them all.

Enough about me, though. Let’s talk about you. Statistically speaking, you’re more than likely a human with black or brown hair and glasses. You probably listen to Coldplay or Nickelback or some other shitty band like that. You probably believe in Jesus, but you’re more than likely only a Sunday Christian. Your IQ is most likely somewhere between 90 and 108. In short, you’re average and mediocre.

You’re more than likely the type of person who forms an opinion on a subject without really understanding the subject you seem to feel so strongly about. Like the issue of homosexuality or socialism. (You probably think socialism is the equivalent of communism. Of course, you’d be very wrong, you uneducated dolt, you.)

I’m here to fix all that. I will share my vast wealth of knowledge with you absolutely free. Someone needs to pick up the slack of the American education system. I’m doing this out of the kindness of my heart, and also the hope that I might educate enough people so that during my drive to work I’m not constantly slamming on my brakes because the idiot in front of me doesn’t know how to work the fucking turn signal when changing lanes.

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